She loves lava

What Gender is your Brain?

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 17:24:40 GMT

Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Which Friend are YOU??

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 02:43:07 GMT

You scored as Monica. The neat freak who would do anything for her friends. You're Monica, not always that popular but everyone loves you now.

</td>

Monica

45%

Joey

40%

Phoebe

35%

Chandler

35%

Ross

35%

Rachel

25%

Which Friend are you?
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this is a test of xjournal

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 19:18:01 GMT

THIS is me testing xjournal....thanks to egotist_girl's recommendation!!!

Which Red Sox player are you?? My results

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 04:30:17 GMT

You scored as Kevin Millar. You are Kevin Millar! You are very friendly and free-spirited which makes you a cool person to be around. You have a lot of charisma and have the ability to ease any tensions and allow people to loosen up.

</td>

Kevin Millar

70%

Johnny Damon

63%

Curt Schilling

60%

Jason Varitek

57%

Mark Bellhorn

53%

Theo Epstein

43%

David Ortiz

37%

Manny Ramirez

37%

Which Red Sox Player Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

Violence is not the answer (or is it)?

Thu, 06 Jan 2005 20:15:30 GMT

I am violently angry right now. I hate people. I hate work. I hate being bored. I hate going home to an apartment that I feel uncomfortable being in - despite being surrounded by all of MY stuff.

I want to punch out Cara. God, that's so mean but I don't care. I am beyond feeling bad, guilty, confused. Now I despise her and her weak human nature. She needs to get a grip.

It's snowing out, about to freezing rain and work has not been called off. That makes me even angrier. We'll all have to commute home in the muck. Home to my hopeless roommate who I can not stand to be around.

I looked on craigs list and boston apartments today and there just aren't that many people looking for a roommate. My luck is that I'd kick her out and then not be able to find someone to replace her.

OH, dreadful misery! I hate when I feel like I am in a funk or a rut.

My response to the Assault on Character of the Year

Tue, 07 Dec 2004 20:53:47 GMT

Here it is....my carefully crafted and well-thought out response to the person I once considered to be one of my closest friends. It's funny how things can change so quickly. It's funny how email has nurtured our tendencies to shirk away from dealing with problems face to face. I can't help the fact that she copped out and sent me an email, but I CAN sure play the game just as well.
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Thank you for the email. I respect that you had a lot to say and that you were open and honest about how you are feeling. I am really sad though that you didn't feel our friendship was worth a face-to-face conversation and that you've already made decisions about the worth of my friendship without hearing me out. I've thought a lot in the past week about what you wrote, and my first inclination was to respond to each and every instance that you pointed out. I have decided against that because you imply that you aren't interested in hearing it- I also don't want to come off as overly-defensive. What I would like to say is that almost every situation you mentioned where I was moody, you were not the cause of my moodiness or was it intended for you to feel the way you did. There seems to be a huge disconnect between how I say and do things and how you interpret them. For you to take it literal that I may have said such things as "the bitch is leaving me" is very sad to me. If you think for one moment that I was anything less than thrilled for you and Jon to be moving in together than you have never really known me as a person at all. If I was bitter at all about you leaving, I wouldn't have bothered helping you move, having all of your friends have pizza in my apartment on moving day, listened to your stories about your couch and your artwork, or have come and stayed over your place. The fact that you couldn't see that anything I said was just a JOKE really hurts me.

For the times when I did hurt your feelings (intentional or not), I am deeply sorry. Things like the voting conversation, the party, etc. were not aimed at you but I see now that you have taken them to heart. All I can say is that I couldn't fix things that I didn't know were broken. While you assumed that I was being moody and imposing my attitude upon you, looking back I realized that I was depressed for quite a few months. Had you pointed out that my attitude and behaviour was affecting you and our friendship, I would have done something to change my ways because your friendship has always meant alot to me. I was very hurt to get an email pointing out things that happened FOUR months ago. I never had a chance along the way to apologize or point it out to you if I thought you were overreacting....I have just been bombarded (via email no less) by all of these times that you were upset with me that I never even knew about....that's pretty unfair. I am sorry if not showing up to your pedicure party or not calling you when your teeth were pulled made you think that I cared any less about you.
I actually left you a vmail while you were sick the week before your teeth were pulled and offered to bring you soup but you never returned my call -when I met up with Dave Zawacki in Somerville he mentioned getting a phone call from you - but these things are trivial to me and I opted against mentioning it to you. I guess I didn't realize how much my showing up at the pedicure party would mean to you, although I probably should have. I'd already sensed tension between us and then I was stressed about being ready for my trip so I opted out of going - I am sorry that I disappointed you but it was not intentional.

It was a big surprise to find out that I make your friends feel uncomfortable. Other than my not being fond of Nicole, I absolutely love Grace and think that Jacqui is a sweet person with a good head on her shoulders. I'd be interested in knowing who else I made uncomfortable. Although I don't feel like I hit it off with Nicole, I was never rude to her or acted like I disliked her. And I am sorry if it upsets you that I don't particularly care for her, but our friendship has nothing to do with your friendship with Nicole. It's unfortunate but not everyone is going to hit it off with each other....out of respect for you, I kept my mouth shut on my feelings about Nicole because I knew how important she was to you - I broached the subject of Nicole at Pier One that day (also the day Bo called me) but we never got into a deeper discussion about it so I just let it go. You say that I made her uncomfortable, but you never cared to know that her behaviour in Martha's Vineyard made me uncomfortable as well.

I personally think our friendship is worth a lot more than just the times where we've "done nice things for each other" and the times we have "listened to" or "included" each other. It is obvious that you've chosen to pick out the negative things (like my moodiness) and imply that you inherently do not like or enjoy my personality. For that I can do or say nothing about. That was perhaps the biggest shocker of all. I didn't realize that I make you "tired" and "drained" and no person should have to feel that way after spending time with a friend. If you had felt that the good aspects of my personality and friendship were worth it to you, you would have spoken up sooner. Or you would have realized that perhaps there were things going on in my personal life that were making it difficult for me to be happy and in effect, make you happy. If my friendship was worth it to you, you would have had patience with me, called me out on things that bothered you AS they were happening, and you would have accepted me for all of the good, the bad and the ugly because in the end I believe that the good far outways the bad- that's what makes all relationships worth having. No one is perfect and I never claimed to be. I love and respect the friends that I have because they are willing to stick through it during the tough times, they are willing to take my ugly with all of my good and realize that despite the cranky times and the lack of phone calls sometimes, I am a friend who cares very much about the people in my life. Most of all, I don't give up on my friendships when the "going gets tough". There are undoubtedly going to be times when you are unhappy with your friendships but if they are worth it to you then you communicate with each other and get past it. According to your email, working through our friendship issues is a battle not worth having. I am very sorry to hear that because your friendship has always been worth whatever battle is necessary. You never gave me a chance to prove that.

I don't know if you have determined yet whether or not you want me in your life. Obviously if we are to continue being friends, it would be in a different capacity- one in which I do not make you feel tired/negative and one in which you do not assume to understand where I am coming from all of the time. If you have chosen to move on without our friendship, I would just like to say that I wish you and Jon and your family all of the best, as always. I sincerely love you guys and have been happy to have you in my life, whether that was always apparent or not.

2004's Best and Utter Attack on my Personhood

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 16:43:09 GMT

Shock, horror! Read it and weep: I did. It's the meanest "Dear John" letter I ever received and I didn't even get it from a guy. Imagine my surprise to find out that one of my best friends actually hates me. And that she's been collecting her anger through instances in conversations dating back 4 months. And I thought I was the one with serious problems. She could have just saved all her typing time and wrote me a little note that said: "Newsflash: I hate you". More on this later.
- - - - -

I hope this e-mail finds you relaxed from a nice holiday break - hope Scotland was a blast.

I received your e-mail message before you left and would like to take a moment to respond. I am not exactly mad at you (as you wondered) but have been distancing myself from you. Since I have moved away, I have taken a close look at our friendship and realized that it is not something I am happy with. I feel as if you take out your negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions on me, and it took me spending less time with you to realize that. Because there were less moments of interaction between us, I could see each instance as a separate action - not one jumble. When I first moved, I made such an effort to stay in touch with you. What did I hear? From before I moved to after, you offered to other people that I was moving and that 'The bitch is leaving me' and 'She sucks'. After you hear this a few times, it starts to stick. In any case, I feel like a lot of the time spent with you leaves me feeling tired and negative. I feel as if you expect me to be everything you need me to be, and I can't. Gosh forbid I don't call you (as in the comment you made a week ago in that "I haven't heard from you in a while") when you want me to. Why don't you pick up the phone? And don't say 'I didn't want to bother you' like you have before. Perhaps you could have called once when I got my teeth out. Or perhaps you could have atleast tried to come to my pedicure party. I asked you to and let you know a few times how important that was to me.

I do not like that every time you are not feeling well, it affects me. Your moodiness is too much for me to handle right now. I have tried to welcome you into my world with my friends, b/c you mentioned that you wanted to meet new people, etc., but isn't it funny that you are not so welcoming. I am constantly reminded that Roslyn is 'your friend', that Nephellie is 'your friend'. It seems as if our friendship is determined by your mood, your needs, your choices. Although you have been kind to me (my birthday party, etc.) when you get pissy I feel it. For example, you seemed to be pissed at our party - organizing it, stuff with bo, the heat, etc. - and you snapped at me quite a bit throughout the whole thing. I worked hard for that party too and didn't deserve to feel like that. I sometimes excuse your behavior to you but then bottle up my hurt inside. I try to be honest with you, but sometimes you get so de! fensive that I avoid it.

Additionally, I am hurt by the fact that you made no efforts to even be kind to some of my closest friends, namely Nicole. She even noticed it and mentioned it to me. She wondered if you did not like her. I noticed that you were not friendly with her and a few others, and it has made them feel uncomfortable. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

Another example of how I feel that you take out your negativity on me is the night that Alexi and Roslyn were late at the bar. Because they were not here for your schedule, you got pissed and steamed and didn't talk to me at the bar while we were waiting. You just bitched. You are late all the time, and I never held that against you. Then, when we finally sat down, you were snapping at me about voting - of all things! I've also noticed that, when we are in the company of the gang, that if I don't give you all the attention you want you get huffy.

I'm sure you're thinking once again that I am hyper-sensitive. I don't think so - but maybe I am, and regardless that's the way I feel. I cannot continue on always feeling like I have to walk on eggshells with you. I do not deserve to be subject to your moods.

I thought about talking to you face to face but decided that I did not want to. I do not want to hash out what I think versus what you think. Whenever I've attempted that before with you I found it to be a battle not worth having.

I do not know what else to do or say besides the fact that your negativity and behavior to me (subconscious or not) has taken a toll on my feelings towards you and our friendship. I've tried for some time to let you be who you are....but it is starting to bother me.

Please know that I do appreciate the times when you have listened and included me. This is just something that has been wearing on me, and I did not even realize it.

Cara

One more magnetic poem...dated Aug. 1998

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 21:18:04 GMT

Ok- so I found one more magnetic poem that I had written down in a book. I like this one:

Everything withered
like always
with love
but I survived against
the rage of the sea

I leave for Scotland on Thursday. I am so excited that I can barely contain myself! If work was really busy and I had no time to think about it, that would be helpful. But of course work is slow and I am going out of my mind right now....dreaming of being in some cool pub in Glasgow drinking pints with my best friend and some cute Scottish boys.

No more Yep's and OK's

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 21:26:20 GMT

Greetings:

I am so bored. I did virtually no work today. I have work, I just choose not to do it. But then I get even more bored. It's a vicious cycle I tell you. I haven't even been motivated enough to put a CD in...pathetic. I am looking forward to getting out of here in 8 minutes.

I told Linnea today that we aren't allowed to write "Yep" and "OK" anymore on our text messages to each other. I can't friggin believe how expensive text messaging has become. I find it to be hilarious that I used over 500 texts last month alone. I was paying for 100!

Brian came and visited me a little while ago. It was nice to see him. It's almost weird how I've changed my mind on a few things in the last couple of days. I'm like this different person. Not really, I suppose. I just feel like so many things in my life are changing right now - or are about to change. But change is good. Being with Brian and not thinking too hard about whether it's right or good or long term is what I need to do. It's really nice to be with someone who treats me well....I almost took advantage of that fact a few weeks ago and now I am learning to enjoy and appreciate it. I guess it's just been so long that I am rusty!

I can't wait to go to Scotland!!! Just imagine...me- out on the open road driving on the wrong side of the road on the wrong side of the car going into roundabouts the wrong way! It shall be a hoot.

That's all for now....that's the quick update about how this day is going.

Magnetic Poetry

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 15:59:23 GMT

Remember when Magnetic Poetry was cool? I am calling for a revival. I almost threw mine all out the other day and then went back out to the garbage to dig them out after I had an inner battle with myself about its worth. I dug them back out because I found two magnetic poetry poems I wrote a few years ago. I thought I'd share them here:

she sees his
love as a
wild song of
staggered
sounds pronounced
in secret tongues

sister said
the bruised winds
and cracked tendrils
consume her morning

Long live Magnetic Poetry! I am busting out my set and putting them on my file cabinet at work for some pure, unadulterated office fun.

My Love of Lists

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 02:21:05 GMT

Back in September, I caught the happy bug for a quick week. I signed my friend Cara up for a membership to the "Secret Society of Happy People" (ssohp.com) because she's so friggin happy. Of the materials they sent her was a sheet of paper instructing you to write down one happy thing that happens to you each day. I thought, I can handle this. Maybe my smug little self could use to take a moment each day to revel in one thing, even if it is tiny, that makes me happy. F*ck happy, even just something that makes me smile! So, here is the list I made:

Monday 8/30 -- BTal said I made him smile when I texted him during jury duty.
Tuesday 8/31 -- Seeing a german shepherd sitting in the front seat of his owner's car looking content
Wednesday 9/1 -- Seeing Garden State for the first time
Thursday 9/2 -- It was really lovely out today! I laid out in the sun on my lunch break
Friday 9/3 -- looking forward to the holiday weekend. My boss said I am doing a great job

So, what's my point? My point is: That is EXACTLY how long my blissful "happy thoughts" list making lasted...less than a week. I mean, who the hell am I kidding? I go through these bouts every year or so where I tell myself I am going to try and be happier, try and be more positive. Yeah, I am happy -- but putting it in a list to remind me isn't exactly blowing my skirt up. I much prefer these types of lists, which I started today:

Things I hate (in no particular order):

-people that eat fast food on the bus ( I hate the way the smell permeates the whole bus)
-the bus
-people who are not strong in their convictions
-roommates who have no personality
-work that is boring

There is no doubt that this list will grow. In fact, it can be argued that the one thing I did today that made me happy was to make a list of things I hate. If you take away my god-given right to complain, then I surely won't be happy.

She looks for lava in all the wrong places

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:28:50 GMT

So...my fascination with Mount St. Helen's and the impending eruption. What can I say? Volcanoes are definitely my favorite form of natural disaster. I am tired of hearing about hurricanes! I feel sorry for all of those people who died and had their houses wrecked, for sure. But, let's talk about how exciting volcanoes are! Hot molten lava! Oozing hole! Bursts of hot, red goo! It's fascinating. When I went to see my friend Kendall out in Seattle last March, we went and saw an IMAX showing on Mount St. Helen's and the 1980 eruption. I've been in love with that volcano ever since. They have this cool webcam that updates every five minutes at Mount St. Helens. They've been saying for the past few weeks that she's been about to blow....but most recently they say it's going to happen later rather than sooner. Oh well, if I have to wait, I shall. For now I'll continue to look for lava in all the wrong places.

My first entry!

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 17:24:36 GMT

I am here! I have entered Live Journal land! I can't tell you how exciting this is. My first foray into journaling online. I am hoping it will be much more exciting and titillating than those crappy paper journals I've kept in the past. Every time I read through them, I feel so pathetic. All of my entries have to do with boys and how sad they make me. I hardly ever picked up my pen when I was feeling happy and wanted to share it. I only picked up the pen to vent about my misery and heartache. Imagine how sad it's going to be to read them when I am 85. I am going to wonder if anything good every truly happened in my life... and if it did...how did I manage to erase all proof of it?

SO, i am turning over a new leaf. I am going to write about good things and bad things and boring things and absolutely wacky things. This will be my oath to myself. I don't care if no one reads this or if everyone reads this. Here I go.